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Unless you live in a cave, you’ve probably read several articles about the demise of civility in our political discourse. There’s no question a problem exists. Jim Simon did a nice job discussing the issue in an op-ed published June 28 in the Columbus Dispatch.

He advocates a number of changes in how we behave, such as: insisting on “high-road behavior” from politicians; stepping out of our bubbles and being willing to listen to and understand those with whom we disagree; employers becoming ambassadors for civility by encouraging open discussions on difficult topics; and teaching young people the importance of kindness and respect for everyone.

I like what Simon has to say, but I think it’s easy to infer from his op-ed that he’s advocating civility for civility’s sake, as if we should practice it simply because it’s a virtue.

There’s more to civility than virtue. Civility offers the promise of change. Unless we move from a society where attacking the other side is permissible, we’re doomed to maintaining the status quo. Change requires breaking the cycle of caustic criticism.

Yet making the change is difficult. We lash out because we feel attacked. The trick is to realize that the dialogue is not about us but about ideas. Once you get to that point, you can say to yourself, “I’m not going to attack the people with whom I disagree. I’ll be tough on the issues, but I’ll be easy on the people with whom I disagree.

“I won’t reciprocate with intolerance, even if I just suffered some indignities. I won’t make politics personal. I’ll look for places where I can agree with people who view the issues differently. I won’t be oppositional just because my viewpoint is the minority position. Maybe there is common ground if I take the take to time to listen and understand.”

Remember what Stephen Covey advises. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”  The people at VitalSmarts, who conduct crucial conversations training, would say, start with heart!

What we need in terms of political discourse is no different from the strategies we employ in every day life. If an angry customer is yelling at you, yelling back will only make the situation worse. Dealing with a spouse who has lost his patience by showing an equal lack of patience makes things worse. If you reciprocate an angry co-worker’s bad behavior with your own bad behavior, your workplace will continue to be dreadful.

Civility isn’t just a virtue. It’s a strategy for change.

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Jack D’Aurora writes for Considerthisbyjd.com

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Also published on Medium.